My Sober Story
I have the most incredible life now.
I live in Lewes, East Sussex with my husband and our beautiful young son. We’re part of a community of creative, compassionate people who want to make a difference in the world. I love to read, write and swim. I’m happiest under the shade of the trees, and in deep chats.
Nowadays, I am able to meet myself with love when I’m finding things hard. Sobriety takes no effort; I have no desire to drink.
This is a life I never thought was possible for me and I am so grateful to have it now.
It wasn’t always like this.
Trying to escape
As a young adult, alcohol quickly became the answer to my pain.
I started drinking when I was 16. Until I was 18 I just drank with others at house parties and pubs at the weekend. But when I left home to go to university, things very quickly changed. It was the norm to go out every night to a club or party, and so the amount I was drinking quickly increased. It was also when I started to drink to try and escape painful feelings.
I hadn’t felt held or supported to be with my emotions as a child or young adult. As a sensitive person, I found it almost impossible to suppress my feelings, but it seemed like that was what I was expected to do. To be a good girl, behave well, excel at school and not cause any fuss. My mum was diagnosed with cancer when I was 12 and died when I was 14, but I didn’t feel allowed to be with my feelings of grief. I managed to hold it all together, hold it all in, until I discovered that alcohol gave me relief from my pain.
When I began to drink to cope with feelings of loneliness and grief, my drinking spiralled out of control. I later learned that when we drink to cope with stress and emotional pain, that is often the tipping point when our drinking becomes a real problem.
When I met my now-husband in my early 20s, my life began to get better. I felt truly loved by him. We rented a flat together in London and I began a career working for non-profit organisations.
I thought that if my life got sorted on the outside, surely my desire to drink would go away?
But it didn’t.
Still stuck
By my late 20s I was no longer spiralling, but I was still drinking almost every day.
I didn’t want to drink, but I just couldn’t seem to break free from it. It had a power over me that was terrifying. I felt trapped: not only by alcohol, but by the immense shame I felt at not being able to stop drinking.
Why couldn’t I walk past the corner shop on the way home after work and not buy a bottle of wine? Why couldn’t I just have one glass, like I planned to? Why did I always find myself drinking the whole bottle and as I did so thinking: what am I doing? Waking at 3am with a racing heart, and sleeping fitfully until the alarm went off. That morning telling myself I wouldn’t drink that night, I had to try. And yet, on the way home, as if pulled by an invisible force, finding myself in front of the corner shop fridge, reaching for a bottle.
All around me, it seemed like other people were drinking ‘normally’. I thought the only way for me to get sober was to go to AA or rehab, to label myself an alcoholic and each day, for the rest of my life, battle my desire to drink.
Thankfully, I found another way.
The day everything changed
In April 2018 I discovered This Naked Mind and my life changed forever.
Annie Grace’s work in This Naked Mind (which is a book, podcast, courses and much more) allowed me to see that alcohol is a highly addictive substance to all humans: anyone who drinks is at risk of dependency. The fact that I had become addicted just meant my brain was responding as it’s supposed to. It was innocent, understandable and - crucially - reversible. Neuroplasticity means we can unlearn beliefs and rewire our brains so that we no longer have the desire to drink - we are truly free.
So for 20 months, I embarked on a journey to unlearn all the beliefs I had around how I thought alcohol was helping me, and learned what it was actually doing to my body and mind. I experimented for myself to see if these facts were really true. When I drank - did I actually feel happy and relaxed? Or did I in fact feel a bit dizzy and nauseous and my brain was slowed down? When did I really feel happy and relaxed? Wasn’t it connection to loved ones, being in nature and doing things that lit me up that was creating feelings of joy?
I learned loving ways to soothe myself when difficult feelings arose in my body. I created a sober toolkit that I could turn to when I felt the urge to drink with things like going for a walk, meditation, eating delicious food or watching my favourite comedy show. I learned to be with my feelings when they arose, rather than try to escape them or shut them down. To welcome them, knowing all emotions and thoughts (including the urge to drink) are trying to help. And that they pass, if we just acknowledge them and thank them for being here.
On Christmas Day 2019 I had my last drink, and I’ve never looked back.
On the other side
Life on the other side of alcohol is a miracle. I never, ever thought I could have this life. I honestly feel like I’ve been reborn; like I’ve been given a second chance at life.
Our time on earth is so precious, so brief, so extraordinary - and I get to be here for all of it.
I am completely free of the desire to drink. I go to pubs, restaurants and social gatherings where other people are drinking. I show up as myself and enjoy real connection with the people I love.
This journey has been a far, far deeper one than just quitting alcohol. I have had to get to know myself - really know myself - for the first time. To understand what my true wants and needs are. To see why I had used alcohol and learn how to be in the world without using a drug to cope.
This journey took unwavering commitment; priortising myself and my sobriety above all else; grace, forgiveness, compassion and enduring hope.
If you’re ready to step onto this path, I would be honoured to walk alongside you.
Read more about my training, experience and coaching approach below.